When You Know

And one day the caterpillar said "It's time"...

As I sit here, the sky rumbling, the gray clouds shifting restlessly, I feel a shifting too. It’s as if the weather senses my unrest.

Over the past 18 months I have lost so many parts of myself. Not just beloved family and friends and furry companions, but little bits of myself that clung to a way of life I was living. Things weren’t going badly before this all spiraled out of control. But, there actually wasn’t much really going on if I am being completely honest with myself. There was a sense of stagnation, a place of realizing that all that I had worked so hard to create and build and maintain, no longer made sense for me or inspired me. It was just life. And it didn’t feel wrong and it didn’t feel right.

There will be times in your life that feel like a plateau surrounded by nothingness. You don’t know where the next mountain to climb is and you have no idea where a road even is. This is the plateau of uncertainty, or as I often now refer to it as the plateau of boredom. Things in your life are okay, running a long normally but nothing lights you up, inspires you or if anything it does, it’s like a flash of light and then dusk again. This is not a “bad” space. Nothing is going terribly wrong or your world doesn’t seem to be on fire anywhere. It’s a nice place to rest, sit down for a bit, take a load off and prop your feet up. But, it’s not a place to set up camp, build a bungalow and put into your life map. You can and rightfully should, only stay here for a bit. Otherwise, it’s like quicksand. It will suck you right inside mediocrity.

Oh I know - you are saying to yourself - what’s wrong with mediocrity? Nothing at all. But let me ask you this? Do you want to live a life of mediocrity? Is that your dream life? Can you see yourself plodding in mediocrity to the end?

In gym speak, every exercise plan has a place where the person exercising hits a plateau - a place where muscle growth, strength, flexibility or whatever the goal is slows or completely stops. In gym speak, this requires a jumpstart. Maybe it’s a new exercise routine, added weight/time/repetitions, change of diet dramatically. SOMETHING big has to break you out of the plateau and get you back on track.

In life speak, the same theory applies, I think. You are gonna need something big to shake it up or you might stay on the plateau with your feet up for a very long time. Sometimes that shows up as loss such as job, family, loved one, health. Sometimes that shows up as the universe shoving you in a different direction through reduced options offered. Sometimes you have to CHOOSE something to break out (super hard cuz your feet are tired and it feels so good to just let them stay up in plateau land). It might even be a blend of several of these things - such as in my case.

In 2019 I was diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm. It rocked my world. Google doc was clear this was pretty bad. Avoid impact anything, be super heart healthy (almost obsessively so), yearly cardiac MRI’s, no inversions, no weight lifting above 40 pounds, manage all stress tightly. Yikes! Suddenly my field of life narrowed. Suddenly, things that I had thought were just assumed in my life were no longer there and I worried that time was no longer my friend. I began to focus on what really mattered.

Like all things, I became complacent about this little kick in my pants to be more present in my life. And then my sister got cancer. And then my Mom got cancer. And then my close friend got cancer. And then Mom and friend passed away from cancer. And then I lost two furry family members a month apart. And then my favorite cat became deathly ill. And then I got sued and my life became a blurry grief driven, panic stricken, fear filled, bullet train ride.

Dear universe - I think I heard you…

As I circle down from the plateau - or more accurately, gallop as fast as I can down from the plateau of “mediocrity” and into the world of pure uncertainty and shocking change, I feel it. Something tugging at me, calling my name. It’s not a whisper anymore. It’s yelling. Aprille - it’s time.

I want more than I have been living. I want to see more, be more, live more, learn more, experience more. Where I am, what I have been doing is no longer enough for me. This life I have been living is not enough for my restless soul - for the seeker within. And this is a profound realization for me.

My heart yearns for more time spent unearthing, exploring, experiencing life more deeply and in new and exciting ways. I yearn to connect to the things I have only briefly touched in my life and dive way deeper. I crave living life fully and not just shuffling through each day as if I am asleep.

It is time for the next stage of my life to begin. And oh the panic, stress, fear, struggle as I find my way out of this. But, with tenacity, I see I can break free and live SO MUCH MORE FULLY. I see the potential and possibility waiting. I push myself forward knowing that time is fluid and shifting and that we never know how much we have of it. I want to live, honoring the gift this life is and not bumbling my way through it trying to fit in, force myself to do what others do, mold myself into what others expect or desire of me. I want to be, unapologetically me. Free. Authentic. Real. Alive.

Something has shifted so inexorably that I must shift in relation to it. There is more out there for me and I am going a seeking…Who I am right now is ready to shift and change. Who I was is ready to be released. The thought that all the work I did to make myself who I was, no longer makes me sad to release and move forward from. Each season of life requires a new perspective right??

The sunlight streams in my window, bright and sparkling. Yes, I am ready. And this fills me with such joy…

Happy journeys to any of you out there reading this and feeling this tug too. In a few days it will be my 54th circuit around the sun and it seems fitting that this should come to me now. I see it as the gift my family, friends, loved ones, and ancestors have granted me. And I seek to honor that gift by living as I have never lived before. It is never too late to seek the life you most want, dream new dreams, become the human you have always wanted to become, find the path that takes you to enlightenment. What are you willing to do/release/be in order to find out where your journey will take you next?

A deep thank you to the readers and supporters of me here on Substack as this is the place that has given me so much inspiration, support, compassion, and helped me share with such depth. Vulnerability has never been so supported as it has been here on my Substack page. I am grateful to each and every one of you!

Love, Aprille XXxx