My closest friend is calling on a Saturday morning. This is, in and of itself, a strange phenomenon, because she NEVER calls and certainly not at 9am on a Saturday morning. My heartbeat quickens.
“I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to blow you off for lunch. My husband just found out he has cancer and we are racing around trying to get in treatment right now.”
When I heard this, my heart just stopped. Over the past 5 years, my family has been hit with the “C” word twice in succession. One family member is in remission, the other has passed away. The “C” word brings me to my knees now and rightfully so. But, I am an action person, a problem solver, and a damn good friend and my first words are “how can I help?”
“What can I do, what do you need, and I am here for whatever, anytime?” I say. Because I am. I am here 24/7 for her and her husband. Need to rant, scream, cry, talk it through - I am here. Need lunch, pizza, ice cream, a case of wine/beer - I am here. Why? Because I know what it feels like to be a caretaker when the “C” word arrives in your home. I know how fast everything goes and how tons of information and decision-making is rushed through. I know how tired, scared, uncertain, and deeply sad you feel. I know you are frightened and you hurt. I have been there my dear friend.
We agree to meet for lunch for the next two Mondays as she, and her husband, await MRI/CT scan results. As we talk she says there is only Plan A. Surgery, he will be okay, they will be together. She never wavers from this. Plan A, she says is that it will all turn out fine and he will be in remission. She doesn’t want Plan B or Plan C. There is only Plan A. I tell her she has permission to be angry, sad, cry, scream, rant, grieve. She has permission to feel it all and if she needs to, share it all with me. (Note here, she didn’t need my permission, but sometimes when you are trying to be the tough caretaker, someone needs to say, it’s okay to let it all go).
When the test results come back, she texts. They believe it is localized and can be surgically removed. They believe it is Stage 1 and was caught early. Plan A is in effect. He is going to be okay. They are going to be okay.
I am ecstatic for him, for them, for Plan A. And I realize one thing - I am one of those people that has Plan A, B, C, D, E, F, G and so on. I do my best for something to turn out fine, but I tell myself that it’s going to crash and burn, that it’s going to fail, that it won’t turn out fine.
And what if, what if my friend put that positive energy out there into the universe and the universe said - okay, that’s what you want and believe, that’s what you get! What if I keep getting shitty outcomes because I keep saying out loud and to myself - this is going to be a mess, I know it!
I don’t want to be an ostrich with her head in the sand. I know that things can and do go wrong and that things might not be okay (although let’s be honest, I am a land on your feet like a cat kinda woman). But what if I gave myself permission to believe, to hope, to create, to breathe, to step into the light? Permission is something I struggle with. I often think I need permission to create, take up space, ask for help. I struggle because I spend a lot of time walking on eggshells right now just trying not to piss someone off so that things can stay on track.
Permission is especially scary when we give ourselves permission to be, breathe, take up space, fail, fall down, be imperfect, create something new, be outrageous, have fun, enjoy ourselves, say no, say yes, ask for help, cry, be sad, practice self care/self love. It’s scary to put yourself out there authentically.
What are you refusing to give permission for, to yourself and others? What are you giving permission for that you wish you weren’t? Like that thing you just said yes to that you really wanted to say no to. You just gave permission for someone to take your time and energy away. You might be giving someone permission to cross your boundaries or giving yourself permission to set strong boundaries for your personal welfare. You might be depriving yourself of permission to love your self, create art, build something new, express yourself in some new way.
What if you gave yourself permission to fail? To succeed? To try? What if you gave yourself permission to believe in yourself on some new adventure? What if you gave yourself permission to savor the sweetness in life? What would that feel like?
And what if, when you give yourself permission to be amazing, it all turns out okay? What if you give yourself permission to be happy and you are? Maybe that’s what it takes. Give yourself permission. You are already beautiful, amazing, and perfect as you are. Now give yourself permission, wholeheartedly, to live that. That’s Plan A.
Me? I am giving myself permission to be vulnerable, open, loving, and to ask for help when I need it. I am giving myself permission to explore what whispers to me and to be clear where my boundaries are and what they mean. I am giving myself permission to “feel” and know that sometimes, through grief, loss, sadness, and uncertainty is just that - through. I am giving myself permission to believe that things are gonna work out for me because…
Plan A.
Love, Aprille
P.S. Want to explore permission? Join
on the March Kaleidoscope Challenge!
What a scary time, and I know your friends are so lucky to have you on their side.
Awesome Aprille, you covered a lot here, you're a real good friend acting as you did. I hope everything works out for your friends husband.
With this you touched upon something I have been thinking about a lot recently, with your Plan A vs Plans A-Z, I won't write an entire post here, that will follow I'm sure but I think that sometimes putting all of your eggs in one basket can sometimes be a good thing, from a mindset point of view. Like you said if you go into something with the mindset of, "this is all going to go wrong, I need backup plans" then you've almost primed yourself for the negative. I'm very much the same, I need to know I'm ready and have a contingency, and that's why I have been thinking so much about it.
I love your Plan A, and that you have given yourself permission and I hope that everyone who reads this gives themselves permission too.