Windows of the Soul

Eye contact

As a super skinny, more comfortable with animals than people, awkward young girl with thick glasses, frizzy hair, face buried in a book most of the time, I found conversing with humans quite challenging and intimidating during my youth.

Maybe I am not the same girl I was (or maybe inside I still am), but I still find conversations with people very challenging. The biggest issue? Eye contact. I first noticed this when I took ballroom dance class in college and we had to switch partners all of the time. There was this one very attractive young man in class that I desperately wanted to go out with who I could not, for all the money in the world, make eye contact with for more than two seconds. It was so bad that he actually brought the issue up while we were waltzing around the room. Why can’t you maintain eye contact?

How do you explain that even though maybe now you feel a bit more confident about yourself, something lingers that makes you feel REALLY uncomfortable about staring directly into people’s eyes for long periods of time - particularly if they are super cute or you want to impress them?

Note here - he did ask me out; but more importantly, his question stuck with me.

Fast forward to 2025. I am seated next to a young woman I barely know at a party. It feels awkward, but I finally turn to her and strike up a conversation. We tilt our bodies towards each other slightly and what follows is one of the most life affirming conversations I have ever had the pleasure of having. She asked me if I was happy. And she held the ENTIRE conversation (mind you she is 17 years old), looking directly into my eyes with deep interest and kind curiosity. I felt seen, heard, acknowledged on a level I had rarely experienced. We talked for more than an hour and during that conversation I realized I am indeed happy overall, yes, but what I really got out of this conversation is how to be a good listener and to LOOK INTO SOMEONES eyes to help them feel seen/heard/acknowledged.

I went home, slept on it, and decided that this was a gift I could give to others and perhaps, just perhaps, it would change my life. Week one was really hard, I have to tell you. It took discipline to keep my eyes from jumping around, looking off when I spoke, and I cannot begin to tell you how strange this all felt to me. But, I am committed to becoming a better listener and this is part of it (or at least I tell myself it is).

You are probably thinking - what’s the fuss? Lack of confidence follows you. Maybe you grew up from being an awkward child or teenager, but some of that lack of self-confidence is still hiding in your inner child space. I still wonder if people would rather be talking to someone else, or whether I am interesting enough, or if they are really thinking that I am the most awkward person they have ever met. I am deeply flattered when someone gives me a compliment of any kind and I shuffle and mutter thank you and feel really uncomfortable. I, sometimes, don’t think I deserve the compliments, the attention, the conversation. That’s it.

So what will looking directly into other’s eyes during a conversation do? It will help me feel more confident because this is an act of confidence. It will allow me to listen and recognize cues that I might miss otherwise. It will help them feel seen and heard. It will help others feel confident because they will see that I find them interesting enough to be fully present. And it will, eventually, be a gift I give to myself and others of being a good listener and conversationalist. This simple act will help conversations be more fulfilling and supportive to all participants involved.

We all want to be seen and heard. We all want to be acknowledged. And most of us, if not all, have little pockets of lack of self-confidence that could use a little positive boost of “hey, you are really interesting and I hear you and want to keep talking to you.”

And last but not least…if the eyes are the windows of the soul, I will be granted an opportunity to know others more deeply and fully and in turn be known. Soul sharing, here we come…

Aprille XXoo

Thoughts to ponder: how do you make people feel seen and heard? Are you someone who feels comfortable staring directly into someone’s eyes for a full conversation? Why or why not? What does it feel like to have someone be fully present for you in a conversation? What makes you feel seen and heard when interacting with other people?