Writing at Your Worst

Does your mood dictate your writing schedule?

Yesterday my alarm went off for writing time and I promptly smacked the off button and ignored it. I huffed as I did it and all I could think was “I am in no mood to write anything.” Later in the day I explained to myself that I shouldn’t write when I am depressed, sad, angry or having a bad day. And then I thought, but shouldn’t I?

Writing is the act of expressing oneself - whether it be fiction, nonfiction, or poetry. And expressing oneself happens even on the worst of our days. I would also like to say that art is created when you are at your happiest and joy filled and also at your lowest, darkest place. But, I am thought of as a happyish person who tends to see the good and positive around me. This is an image people have of me. What happens if they see that I have days that don’t look quite like that?

I have spent more than 15 years teaching yoga and meditation as a professional who puts aside their own feelings or whatever they are going through and focuses on their clients needs. I have been a mother for 20 years who, once again, puts aside her feelings and what she’s going through, and focuses on the needs of her children. I have spent years and years perfecting the “carry on” personae that I imagine people think I live. Or maybe they don’t. How would I even know?

But, here it is. Yesterday I had an awful day. Anything I wrote would have been more of a scream intermingled with some blubbery sobbing and lots of salty waterworks. No, I cannot say what it was that made yesterday awful because honestly, no one did anything to me and nothing horrible happened. I just felt very, very sad…and lonely, and heartbroken, and afraid. I could barely get out of bed, I dragged myself to the grocery store, I didn’t feel like eating. I just didn’t feel I could.

And yes, I know, these feelings aren’t permanent and my situation isn’t either but right now, it’s what I feel and I am into honoring where I am at each day - meeting myself with compassion, kindness, and grace. And yes, I meditated, exercised, ate some nourishing soup, tried my very best to get through the day. Today isn’t as bad. It’s not great, but it’s not as bad. But I know, from past experience, that these days will happen. Grief is like that.

When I host yoga teacher trainings, one of my most repeated phrases is “you don’t know what the people in the room are going through in their lives so just hold space for them - wherever, however they are - and remind them to be kind, compassionate, and caring towards themselves.” I feel this way about everything I do. Whatever you are going through, you are not alone. However you are working through things, you are not alone. You don’t have to be love and light every day or positive Polly to hold space, share, and remind yourself and others to show yourself/themselves grace.

So, if you are a writer or creator - and let’s be honest, most of us are - share it all. Don’t hold back or wait for a better day. Every day is a good day to share what you are feeling and what you might be experiencing - for yourself and for, perhaps, someone else. Express yourself however you can. And when my alarm goes off next time, no matter what is happening, I will be writing.

Love, Aprille xo