When Someone Doesn't Love You As Much as You Love Them
Recognizing the signs and setting boundaries
Throughout my life I believed I was needy. Every friendship I began, I wanted to be there for them, support them, see them every now and then, share, connect - you know, be friends. And many times I discovered that as much as I wanted to BE a friend, apparently the other person didn’t seem to want it as much. The signs of this? Here goes -
You try to make plans but almost every time you do, they bail out for some reason or another (it’s always something).
You do thoughtful things for them and they brush it away, or say lots of “you really didn’t have to, you know” type things. And by the way, they RARELY reciprocate)
You make yourself available when they have time (apparently their schedule is WAY more full than yours even though your lives are similar), and they show up late, don’t show up (see #1 above), or show up and say they have to make it quick as they have “stuff” they have to do.
They answer call waiting when you call. Lots of people are going to say this isn’t a sign, but since when is call waiting more important than your friends or the people you love? Answering call waiting is like saying “Hey, someone better called and I want to talk to them instead.” Yes, I know that sometimes you are waiting for an important business/medical/legal call - so let your friend/loved one know and say I will call you back later once I have this handled so I can be fully present for you!
You say something nice about them or their lives or their family or job and you hear crickets in response. People, we need to be nice to each other and lift one another up. Could you please come up with ONE nice thing to say about me? Just one is enough. Friendship is about being supportive and kind as well as honest. Can’t do that - that’s a big issue.
You tell them how much they mean to you and they distract, change the subject, or hang up fast (or worse, the text version is no response whatsoever). Now I don’t mean an emotional drowning in friend love here. I mean saying something like “You know, you are a wonderful friend and I value our friendship.” (see example below)
They let a conversation via email or text die. There is more to be said and we all can feel it but they cannot be bothered.
When something really challenging happens in your life, they are nowhere to be found. (Arctic Circle anyone?)
I met (let’s call her) Carrie right out of law school when we were working at the same law firm as new hires. We became pregnant at about the same time and would walk together, take lunches together, and generally hang out - even having our babies within one month of each other. At one point we were carpooling to save money and each get a break from the 45 minute to downtown commute. Carrie would get excited and say we should do this and that but when I tried to pin her down, she would get squirrely and make all sorts of excuses for her being busy. She was always SUPER busy (we had the same job, same family life, same commute) and could never make time for me, but she always had time for other friends. I finally took the hint - Carrie didn’t value my friendship as much as I did hers. I was more acquaintance than friend. My heart was broken.
Fast forward a few years to a new neighbor who moved in with a child the same age as mine. I thought she was great, supported her whenever she was down, even cooked food for her when she was struggling, sick, facing challenges. I was her cheerleader but I began to see a pattern - she would never answer my calls when I needed someone, was never available when I wanted to hang out, would always put me on call waiting hold then hang up. It seemed odd. Maybe I am just demanding too much?
Fast forward 15 years to a new friend I found online. I really wanted someone to hang out with, have dinner, engage in art related events, and concerts. It all started off great with lots of back and forth, a lot of adventures where we had so much fun. Or so I thought. But then my Mom died and suddenly, she never had time, she never responded to my texts, she begged out of plan after plan. If I didn’t text her, I would probably never hear from her again.
This week it all became clear to me that I am rather innocently blind to the fact that SOME people do not love me as much as I love them. In a call I told someone that I really liked her as a person and felt we had a lot in common. That’s it, nothing more. She never responded in kind but immediately changed the subject to something entirely different and within seconds was saying she had to go. It hit me. As much as I like her, she doesn’t feel the same about me and I need to set some boundaries here. I need to protect myself and invest my energy into other people that are responsive, loving, supportive, and I need to cut the ties with those that are not. This is painful, but necessary.
When this realization hits you, it’s hurtful. You ask yourself if you are doing something wrong, if you are unlovable, if you are too demanding or needy, and if you are just not good enough. Stop. None of these things is true. Being a supportive, loving, and compassionate friend who wants to spend time with another person they care about is GOOD. This is a positive friendship scenario. You are BEING the best friend you can.
They just don’t get it. Maybe they have something else going on, just don’t see you in the same light, want to send their energy elsewhere, but this is NOT about you. This is about them not seeing the divine being of light that you are and how wonderful a friend you can be. Their loss.
You and I don’t want to or need to settle for friendships that are less than what we are giving and willing to give. We all deserve loving and fulfilling friendships. So let’s support each other in letting go of those who don’t value us in the ways we deserve to be valued. Let’s move on, say goodbye and open up some space for the kind of friends you and I truly deserve.
And as we say goodbye - take a moment to repeat these phrases (keeping our hearts and minds open and allowing for differences of how we each live):
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be safe and protected
And may you live in this world with ease.
All my love to you, Aprille Xx
So for whatever reasons they may have, some people are just not able to receive full throated love. Many people grow a shell around themselves to filter the love that they receive. Maybe they fear, once accepted, it will be withdrawn from them, so they measure how much they let in. We cannot break that shell. They have to choose to break it or keep it, but we can still love them from afar💖😇💖
What an interesting point of view Aprille. I think I have been on both sides of this equation in the past, in a more romantic sense than friendship but it feels very similar. Your points make for interesting reading and I certainly spot where I may have fallen short of the mark in the past. I honestly think I am just oblivious rather than purposely giving off rejection vibes. Take your points 5 and 6, basically responding to compliments. I find this extremely difficult, I just don't know how to do it, I find it very awkward, it's probably something I should work on because it shouldn't feel difficult to receive and respond to a compliment! Thanks for leading me to this door.